Valley of the Trolley Dollies

Hello. Today, I am so Martha Stewart. Who needs Jamie’s mag, when you got Kitchen Kvetchin’ with the Valley Boy?

 The New York Times recently published this article about, basically, kitting out the frugal kitchen, which is really weird, considering I, myself, have embarked on The  Frugal Project (TFP, for short); or, possibly, not so weird at all when you consider that

• it’s January when most people start trying to get control of their lives, finances and kitchens (okay, maybe most people don’t try the last; maybe it’s just the anally retentive amongst us) and
• we’re in the middle of the start of a recession (and who can tell me when the “Credit Crunch” stopped and the “Recession” started?).

Anyhoo, the main gist of the piece seems, to me, to be a list of things you should throw away, and things you should replace them with, which seems, to me, less Frugal, and more Fucking Stupid, but there you go: What do I know? I’m not a bigshot NYT columnist with advertisers to please. Yet.

The first full weekend in January is, typically, the weekend where I get into the kitchen and ‘Clean the cupboards,’ which, basically, means taking everything out of the cupboards, discarding the canned and dried goods that are more than a month past their “Best Before” dates, wiping the cupboards down with an oily rag (kidding; I use toxic household cleaning products that can create sterility and overactive/deformed genitalia in labrats, so it’s all good) and putting everything back into the cupboards, placing those which are a few weeks past, or away from, the “BB” dates at the front.

This year, I’ve noticed far less heading for the trash, which is a good sign as it means that I seem to be actually using what I’ve been buying. But I’ve decided to do something I’ve not done before: I’m doing a Kitchen Audit. Yup, that’s right; you did hear me say that I am an anally retentive OCD-affected retard. And, you did hear me say Kitchen Audit. It might be something half of you already do, but the fact is I rarely know what’s in my freezer or cupboards. The fridge, I usually have an idea (cos most of the time it’s, ummm, empty), and I tend to know if I have, or am out of, sliced bread.

But in my freezer? Bagels, usually. Sometimes. But how many plain? How many onion? Raisin? Meat? Yeah, sure, there’s usually some in there, but what? Pork? Chicken? Beef? Next door’s cat? And how long has it been there? And when do I intend to actually cook with it?

Fact is, for ages, every food writer I know has been whining on about the dangers of the Supermarket shop. The tendency to overbuy and then throw out stuff you didn’t need in the first place, or to buy, say, a whole packed of Schwartz Cardamom Pods because a recipe needs a spoonful, then throw out the remaining 20 spoonfuls a year later. To shove stuff in the freezer, and, because it’s too much hassle to thaw it out at short notice (such action requiring a degree of forward planning absent in so much of my life) buy more of the same, fresh, to cook tonight.

The couple next door have two small children. They’re young professionals - he’s a lawyer, she’s in banking (the couple, that is, not their young children, who are precocious, but not that precocious). They (still the couple, keep up) earn good money, and are close in many ways to my financial and professional status. But when they go shopping on Saturday, they go with what she described to me as a “Weekly Meal Plan.” That is “What standard kitchen ingredients are we out of, and need to replace, and what ‘extra’ items do we need in order to provide 7 dinners / breakfasts / lunches / snacks for the week?” And they shop to that list.

Obviously, any surprise offers or unmissable bargains are not blindly dismissed, but, with an idea of what you (a) have and (b) need, you’re less likely to buy a ton of shit that you will throw away (or store encased in Ice for so long that it ends up as likely to be dinner as the average entombed woolly mammoth).

I know, for example, that I have, in the cupboard, a whole jar of walnuts; in a bottle near the stove, some excellent (and extremely expensive) Greek Olive Oil (and yes, I know I shouldn’t keep it by the stove, but it’s ‘near’ as opposed to ‘on top of,’ and the bottle’s too big for the cupboards, so cut me some slack, mmkay?) and - in the freezer, where it was placed after I’d used half a can in a waaay too rich chocolate desert for New Years Eve - the remnants of a can of Chestnut puree.

Half a can of Chestnut Puree!! What. The F*ck. Was I thinking? Well, I’ll tell you what I was thinking: I was thinking: “I’ll use it one day; I’ll make something with it.”

And you know, in the past, what I would probably have made with it? Landfill. In July. Or possibly August. Or possibly, even, next January.

But you know what I’m gonna make with it now? I’m gonna thaw it first (cos nothing says unappetising like a frozen chestnut puree Popsicle. Unless you’re a freakin’ squirrel), then I’m-a gonna chuck it in the blender with a handful of walnuts, a clove (or two) of garlic, a Glug (what? It’s a real word. Look it up. And it’s onomatopoeic. Look that one up too, beyotches!) of the Greek, a little salt, a very little black pepper, a chunk of grated Pecorino Romano (which I have in the fridge) or Parmesan (which I don’t, so I won’t be using; but you could), and whizzzzzzzz.

No, I don’t mean ‘add cheap speed,’ I mean turn on the blender. And keep pulsing it till the mush is a paste. Then shove it in a jar, pour a little more oil over to cover it (helps preserve it) and you have an absolutely divooooon pasta sauce*. Really, it’s fantastic. Also makes a great canapé spread**. And, if you buy the Carluccio’s version, it’ll cost you three to five quid per jar***.

Of course, once the sauce is made, I’ll need to use it. But I will, ‘cos now I’m all about knowing what’s in the cupboard/fridge/freezer AND USING IT.

And that’s what I call ‘making the most of a marvellous life.”

 *yes, I am aware of how homosexual the phrase ‘devooon’  is; so sue me. I’m also aware of how homosexual the schtupping of the other men is, but that’s never stopped me.

** I am also aware of how fagotty the phrase ’canape’ is on any date after December 31st, so forget I said that; it’s pasta sauce. Okay? 

***which, of course, you won’t be doing, ‘cos we’re living Frugally, innit.

Claudia Roden is a hero of mine. A genius food writer, she wipes the floor with so many of the so-called “Celeb Chefs.”

Claudia has never run an overdesigned, overpriced  restaurant; she has, instead, travelled, eating food, talking to the people who cook it (rarely referred to, in their own culture, as chefs),and  to the people who eat it; chronicling the cultures, histories and social situations that have resulted in the various cuisines she explores.

Her most famous book is “The Book of Jewish Food,” which doesn’t actually sit in my kitchen. It’s an unbelievable tome about the food and culture of the Diaspora in the near, middle and far east, as well as in North South East and Western Europe and the Americas - part History, part Sociology, part Poetic treatise on flavour and the aesthetics of real life food - and I can highly recommend it.

Another book of hers (one of several) which I really highly recommend is “Arabesque,” her journey through the near East (Morocco, Lebanon, Syria etc.)

From that book, comes the Carrot Recipe I promised the Veggies some time ago.

This one is, almost inexplicably, delicious. It’s almost too simple - a handful of ingredients, the largest of which is a huge bunch of earthy, Rooty carrots; a few basic steps, a process that’s fragrant, fast and that builds anticipation for a product that’s tasty, exotic and enjoyable.

I’ve played around a bit with the recipe as Claudia gives it, but what follows, I promise, will give you a carrot salad which will never be ignored, which has always gained me positive comments, and which rarely gives me much in the way of leftovers.

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Weird week.

Cold is almost gone, and one hopes the last trailing rattling cough will continue to vanish by middle of week.

It’s been pointed out (by a female) that “You boys don’t half bash on about a little bit of a cold!!!” with the suggested question being “Why do you have to make such a performance of the thing?”

Well, at the risk of being misogynist (oh, go on): It may be because we don’t get a regular monthly opportunity to feel poorly, sorry for ourselves and write off twisted bitchy behaviour to hormones. Sorry.

Meanwhile, I’m loving The News Quiz on Radio 4 and drinking terribly camp Appletinis (2 measures of Absolut, 1/2 a measure of Apple Sourz - I know, how Trailer). You can make them toffee apples by using Vanilla Vodka, or What The Fux by using Cherry Vodka (we have some that D bought in St Petersburg, and every time I find the bottle in the cupboard, I go “What the Fu…”