525,600
It’s been a while since I wrote, hasn’t it? Well, I’ll make no apologies.
A year ago, I changed jobs, moving from my small boutique Japanese house (Bamboo Splinter Capital) to a Ma-hooo-sive British Financial Behemoth (Feng Shui Corp).
At the end of the first week, I felt like this (roughly: “This is a zoo; I’m in over my head; I’ve got to keep going, ‘cos they seem to think I can do this, but I have my doubts).
At the end of the first three months, a period during which I had been overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the place and it’s challenges, I felt like “I can’t fix this place. But they don’t expect me to fix it. all they want is for me to fix the piece in front of me, then move on to the next, and the next, and so on…” And it felt better. I felt better.
The last couple of weeks - almost the biggest challenge I’ve seen in 20+ years in this industry - not quite as hard as going to work at 10pm on Sep 11th 2001 and working night and day for a week whilst not knowing which of your colleagues were alive or dead - has been an emotional rollercoaster.
It’s only money, this collapsing of banks. But behind this money are people - people like me - whose jobs are gone, whose lives are possibly ruined. And me - softy that I am - I can’t easily disassociate from that fact. So I end up in a rather stressed condition.
On the 6th, I sent this email to a friend:
I spent yesterday throwing up.
By 2pm there was only bright yello bile, and it was absolutely horrible.
I wanted to die.
Curled in the fetal position and slept most of the afternoon.
Ate some toast and sipped water at about 6:30.
didnt throw.
Ate a little more toast and sipped a little more water.
Felt better.
Havent chucked today, so i think i’m back on form.
work is v stressful right now; i hope i’m not getting an ulcer, as they run in the family.
i’m sure i’m not.
glad youre feeling better. we keep on keeping on.
I spent the last two weeks being asked to review and report on banks that were expected to collapse. Yesterday,
My boss: “Here, Derek: It’s been ages since any banks collapsed. You losing your touch?”
Me (under my breath): “Cheeky f*cker.”
And in the midst of it all, I’m doing two writing classes: An online one courtesy of the Germen, and a face-to-face one in London on Saturday Mornings.
My soundtrack today is seasons of love from rent because it’s a year since I started this job, and in that year i’ve become closer friends with people I was previously acquaintances with, I’ve met and amde friends with people I’d never previously met (and with whom I now exchange, on average 170 text messages a month), I’ve had a lodger who was a best friend, D and I have laughed so much, I’ve had a 40th birthday that stretched over three months of parties, I’ve had Christmas in Mousall, and Easter in Disney, and I’ve lived, as Dickens would have it, through ‘the best of times, the worst of times,’ but I’ve never been happier.
And on we go…