Valley of the Trolley Dollies

As a child, my heroes were ABBA, The Three Investigators and the boys from CHiPS. (especially Larry Wilcox. Mmmmm Larry). When I entered my teens, I discovered Oscar Wilde, dandyism, foppism, young fogeyism, and the beauty of vintage (i.e. second hand) clothes. My mother, on observing one of my prize purchases - a huge tweed overcoat that was big enough to take my then slender frame and, quite possibly a double wardrobe as well - cried out in alarm that it looked (and smelled) ‘Like some poor bugger died in it’.

I sailed past, resplendant in what I referred to as my ‘Pre-War industrialist overcoat’, the scent of Armani Pour Homme mingling with the tang of mothballs.

And that, my friends, is why, as my brother observed, very few people were surprised by my announcement that I liked boys a little more than cars (if you know whorramean).

Mr Wilde proposed several sets of Maxims in his time, and, as an exercise in self-delusion and naked ego I present, with pleasure, my first set of Maxims:

1. If one must eat the yellow snow, scoop it into Martini Glasses, drizzle raspberry coulis over it, and call it ‘Chablis Sorbet.’
2. Remember those people who used to tell you that “Nice people don’t do that” (Whatever that was)? They were wrong: Nice people probably do do that. All the time. ‘Til (in some cases) the fillings fall out of their teeth. They just keep it to themselves.
3. Spit or Swallow: The answer lies in the answer to a simple question: WWJD? Which, of course, stands for Why waste Jism, Dear?
4. Politicians lie. Get used to it. They so often get away with the lying because the electorate cant be arsed to do anything about it. Do something, or shut up.
5. Armed revolution can be fun. But try not to schedule it for the weekend after you’ve just purchased a brand new, straight off the forecourt car. Unless you wanted the windows put in, the new Mazda overturned , and the pride and joy set alight by a braying mob.
6. ‘Celebrity‘ is a vastly overused and overrated word. Try, each time one of the so-called newspapers prints the word, replacing it mentally, as you read said rag, with the word Non-Entity. There. Much better, isn’t it?
7. Locking Britney, Parish Hilton, Jade, and anyone who’s ever been in the jungle on that show that sends celebrities non-entities on an all-expense paid beano to the Antipodes, in a brand new, top of the range Mazda MX5 can be a lot of fun, but is even more enjoyable if you schedule it for a weekend when the populace commences an Armed Insurrection. Nothing on reality TV matches the joy of watching as the Non-Entity crammed vehicle has the windows put in, is overturned , and set alight by a braying mob.
8. Sex is fun. And funny. Anyone who tells you otherwise - be they religious loons or po-faced proprietors of ‘Adult’ shops who behave as though they were overseeing the Sacre Coeur instead of a Nylon Knickers, DVD, Dildo, Poppers, Lube, and Inflatable ‘novelty’ emporium - should be discounted immediately.
9. Always put the seat back down. Extra points if you put it back down where you picked it up.
10. The correct use of the phrases “Good morning,” “Please” and “Thank-you” still has the ability to elicit smiles and general all-round good feelings from total strangers. Try it.
11. It takes a lot of thought and effort to be truly shallow.

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 2nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.