So last night, i’m in Tesco picking up some fruit (by which I mean acquiring three figs, a banana and some apples, and not cruising the aisles for talent), when my eye fell on something small black hard and shiny. And no, I don’t mean Sinitta.
Sidebar: I once sat next to the lovely Sinitta at a George Michael concert. This was back in the day when George had a career that was dependant on the playing of live concerts, so we’re talking some time last century. Anyway, the lovely S was dressed in a short shiny red pvc miniskirt that was so tight I could see her lip synching to every single song. And her skin was so oiled, perfumed, and shiny that I became convinced - sometime between my sixth shroom of the evening and the middle eight of ‘Father Figure’ - that I was sitting next to the world’s first pleather woman. But I digress.
No, the thing my eye had fallen on wasn’t Saint ita of the Sinners; it was a mangosteen. A what, you ask? A mangosteen. That’s right, children, a contraction and conjunction of the words Mango and Frankensteen. A mangosteen. and what, you may ask, is a Mangosteen? Well, it’s a fruit (settle down; we’ve done that gag already). And, since I was in the market for some fresh fruit (Oh, knock it off - what makes you think that at 8pm on a Monday night in a suburban Tesco superstore there could be any even remotely attractive hurmursexural on the premises - present co. excepted, obviously), I decided to buy it and try it.
Of course, the fact that it came with instructions on how to open and eat it should have been a giveaway. I mean, apples:
- Open mouth.
- Place apple in cavity between teeth.
- Close mouth tightly, using teeth and pressure of jaws to remove chunk of apple.
- *Take care not to choke as piece of apple shoots to back of mouth.
- Use tongue to control piece of apple.
- Commence regular and rhythmic chewing.
- Â Swallow when apple pulped sufficiently to prevent craw-stickage and choking.
- Repeat as needed.
You don’t see that very often.
So, the instructions on the MangoSteen (’Say it loud and there’s music playing/Say it soft and it’s almost like praying’) read as follows:
- Using a sharp, serrated knife, saw through the tough outer skin.
- The small pink cloves of flesh can be removed with a spoon.
- The delicious fruit tastes like a cross between strawberries and grapes.
Now, let’s review that, shall we? “Saw” “Serrated Knife“, “Tough Skin“. Not too good. Not that appetising, is it? Am I preparing to eat a delicious fruit here, or dismembering a victim?
And the inclusion of the phrase “Small pink cloves of flesh”? Am I the only one who finds that language a little… disturbing? Anyone else? No? Oh, well, let’s move along…
Because all of that: The hacking, the tearing, the pulling out of “Small pink cloves of flesh” (shudder) will be sooo worth it when we get to the delicious fruit that sounds…
Well, it sounds…
How can I put this? It sounds too good to be true. And it is.
Folks, having spent the 78pence so you don’t have to, I can report that a Mangosteen is a Lychee in a Tank.
And that, my friends, was not what I had been lead to expect.
Fruit reviews? What next? Book reviews?
