Gristle
BBC TV is currently showing a piece of televisual gristle (you know gristle - the sort of stuff that is used to fill up meat pies; tasteless, slightly repellant, pointless and of no real value whatsoever) called ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?’ It’s an attempt to cast the role of Maria in an Andrew Lloyd Weber (you know Andrew Lloyd Weber - the sort of stuff that is used to fill up meat pies; tasteless, slightly repellant, pointless and of no real value whatsoever) financed version of The Sound of Music, and it’s presented by Grahame Norton (You know Grahame Norton - tasteless, slightly repellant… oh, fill in the rest for yourselves).
You know, of course,  TSOM - it’s the one that follows the fortunes of a young nun as she befriends a group of snotty but ultimately, post-redemption, cute, kids, falls for their arrogant smug and really rather bland widowed father, introduces them to bestiality (hello? ‘The lonely goatherd? Pulease!) couture (”Let’s make the outfits from the curtains” (thus predicting some of the more unusual fashion choices Dame Vi Westie has tried over the years) and choral harmonies before they all escape from the Nazis and move to live in Vermont. Frankly, the war itself was shorter, had better tunes, smarter costumes, and  left one feeling less exhausted, but there you go.
The show will sell. For three months or so. But the whole thing has pushed me to dig up an old (and, frankly, very filthy) rewrite I did of the lyrics to “My Favourite Things”. It’s very crude, rude, and not safe for those reading from work, small children, old ladies, those of a nervous disposition, or my parents. If you are any of those things, please stop reading now, go away, and come back when you are no longer any of those things.
Remember, it’s To the tune of ‘My Favourite Things’ by Rogers and Hammerstein, it’s filthy, and I dare you not to find yourself humming along as you read…
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Wanking a prelate
Who Gyrates and Flashes;
Wiping his Load
Off My nose and eyelashes;
Whipping him Wildly
‘Till he’s in a spin.
These are a few of my favourite things.
Floggin’ your golly
And Bashing the Bishop;
Choking the monkey
And Dumping your Jollop;
Yanking Prince Alberts
And twisting Tit Rings.
These are a few of my favourite things.
Chorus:
When the Law calls.
When your stock falls.
When your lifes a dump.
There’s nothing can beat
Taking hold of your meat.
Unless it’s a dry dry hump.
Pitching a tent
In the park on a Sunday;
Walking bowlegged
Back home on a Monday.
Daddies in Leather,
And Bearcubs in slings.
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cheap Speed and Downers
And Poppers and Uppers;
Nice Jewish Boys
Who turn into
Wild Schtuppers;
Telling a Fashion Designer
He Mings
These are just some of my favourite things
Chorus:
When the rent’s due;
When your Knob’s blue
With some STD;
I just try my best
To Become Doris Day
And Say What will be, will Be….
August 27th, 2006 at 7:51 am
Since The Sound of Music is sort of a national heritage of English speaking people (no German ever heard of that Musical nor knows something of a Trapp Family) and definitely an American institution (isn’t it always shown on Christmas?) you should be more understanding.
And although we still lack the homosexual versions (lesbian and gay) I see you are still working on it (reliving your traumata, still waiting for the karthesis?).
But doesn’t the TV show reveal who Maria really was? Think of what she had to do to become a nun (maybe singing Big Spender tells some of her history). And in that context “Climb every mountain” gets a totally different touch, too , when you think of it.
J